Sunday, January 10, 2010

I mean seriously....

how much can one family take??? Two years ago, Sean and I were a happy family with 3 kids..then all of a sudden....one moves out, because we have rules. OK, teenagers....so I got over that and continued on ...

then 10 months later Sean falls coming off our roof and crushes a vertebrae in his back...it's been over a year and there is no more improvement. He's still getting paid a disability pension which we are grateful for...but it's only 60% of a 40 hours week...so essentially 24 hours pay. He used to work an average of 55 hours a week....so 40 hours plus 15 ours overtime pay. S0 we have managed...very hard mind you financially but we've managed.

Last April my son decided that he was moving to his dads as well...since his sister did it, had no rules to live by...so poof...now he's gone. OK, I couldn't change it so I bit my tongue , didn't say anything ...and have managed to quit enjoy just the three of us in our house. It's peaceful..no kids arguing...so hey, there is always an up side.

I've always tried to say positive...thinking there is always someone worse off then us...the money issue can be hard to take...since we are aprox $46000 short of what we used to make in a year...between Seans job and the child support I used to receive. I decided that I had to do something to make it better, so I began studying to become a licenced mortgage broker. I received the materials in September for a self study course and booked my exam for January 9th 2010. Then BANG....we've been hit yet again...........

On December 9th, I found a lump in my right breast...my whole world sank....I went for numerous tests....and last week...it was confirmed..it's cancer. I met with the surgeon and he's recommending a mastectomy...because of the size of the tumor. WTF...why us...I'm so scared...I can't believe my entire life as it was, and as I had it planned...has been turned completely upside down...the surgeon wanted to operate this Tuesday...but I panicked and put it off until the 19th...i know I'm strong enough to fight this and I know in time I'll be able to accept things...but right now...I have to admit and maybe this is being silly ...i know my life is the most important thing...but how do I ever look at myself again in the mirror, how will I ever get undressed in front of my husband...I know he'll love me no matter what...it's me....I don't know how to deal with the changes that are about to take place....and now...I'm going to be off work too, i have no secondary insurance, i work for my parents....so financially...we are really petrified.......The one big question I have is this.....WHY????????

3 comments:

Suzanne said...

Oh T! I'm so sad for you! Life certainly has been beating up on you and it's not fair. It's okay to ask "Why". You'll likely never get the answer but I've been so impressed by your positive attitude and I know that you can not only do every hard thing that comes your way but shine at it. Lots of ((((HUGS))) and a shoulder to cry on anytime you need one. ((((HUGS))))

Tracey said...

I couldn't read this and not say anything!:( I think how you are feeling is completely and 199% normal, but I know it doesn't make it any better. It isn't fair! It sucks and I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I've met you and know you are a strong, strong woman who is going to get through this and Iknow you wonderful, loving husband will be there for you no matter what.

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}
Tracey

Denise Gay said...

T, I know when people tell me this I want to roll my eyes, but I am going to say it anyway, God does not give us anymore than he thinks we can handle. I truly believe that. I meant what I said T, when I told you that you are the strongest person I know and if I think anyone can get through all of this it's you! You have opened that can of whoomp ass. You have taken the bull by the horns and you are facing your fears! That's what will get you through. You are scared and fearfull of the road ahead and who can blame you? But I have faith in you and I am confident that you will persevere through all of your hardships. Just keep your focus girl and keep talking about it, you'll get through it. Take heart in knowing that you are not alone. You have your fantastic husband and loads of people who care about you and are waiting to receive you with open arms. Take care.