"Life is made of millions of moments, but we live only one of these moments at a time. As we begin to change this moment, we begin to change our lives"~~D. Trinidad Hunt
Well...how's that for a way to start the day~~
I finished reading "Every Moment Matters" by John St. Augustine last night. There are quite a few really amazing 'moments' in the book.
So, I've been reflecting this week...not really sure why it's just been one of those weeks..the kind that makes you think about all the 'moments' that have happened ...and of course we as humans try to analyze why they happen.
2007 was a great year..Sean and I were both working..We were in our dream home for a year..we had 3 great kids at home..we didn't have a lot of money but we did have enough to do some reno's on the house, go out with friends etc. Life was good..we were happy , healthy and for the most part...exactly where we wanted to be. Then BAM...it all went to hell in a handcart...for lack of more profound words
2008 began with my oldest daughter leaving our house for her dads..thinking it was the best thing for her because she knew he'd give her more 'monetary' things that we wouldn't or couldn't. We tried to teach our kids that the only way to get what you wanted in this life was to work for it. I guess that wasn't what she wanted and in the process caused a lot of hard feelings. Most moms and daughters argue...but we didn't...not much anyway. We might have had two or three really good arguments a year...that's it... Now we spent the most part of the last two years not speaking...or barely speaking. Now before you think that I should have 'stepped up' being the parent...don't think I didn't..I tried numerous times but she just seemed too angry. And even as a parent it's hard to just 'forget' things that have happened.
This entire thing caused a big wedge between her father and I who for the majority of the 13 years we'd been apart...have got along quite well.
Sean and I had never ever had a holiday so we scrapped together enough to go to Mexico in September of that year. It was the best thing we'd ever done. There had been so much stress that it was so good to just get away. We had such a good time..and to spend every single day with each other was amazing. A lot of couples will admit to not being able to spend every day with each other without driving each other crazy...it's not that way with Sean and I.
Exactly 32 days after we arrived home from Mexico...Sean was coming off our roof, stepped on the ladder, the ladder let go and fell to the deck and Sean fell onto the ladder, on his back. Thank god for cell phones..he had his in his pocket and after quite a few 'moments' he was able to call me. When he told me he fell off the roof, my heart sank. I knew it was bad for him to have to call me. I immediately left work and drove home where he was still laying on the deck. He was in so much pain...he couldn't stand up. He could however move his legs so even in this there was a small miracle. After two days in the hospital and finding out he's crushed a vertebrae (and broken a rib) in his back. Of course we remained optimistic that he'd be able to return to work, in what we hoped would be a few months. Well it's now been 18 months since he's worked and to be honest..neither of us expect him to return. So at the age of 42 he's looking at being on a disability the rest of his life. For anyone who knows him..he's a very active person..which he still tries to be it just results in a lot of pain.
Fast forward to April 2009..My son decided that since his sister got everything handed to her at their dads, he was going to move there as well. Here we go again..although I knew it would happen eventually so I wasn't nearly as upset and have done my best to keep my relationship with my son a good one. He's made a lot of decisions at 17 years old that are not good ones but I can't control that. It breaks my heart but I have to believe that someday he'll realize on his own that he's capable of so much more.
Fast forward again to September 2009..I decide that I'm tired of being financially strapped ALL the time. We can't do anything extra, all reno's have stopped in our house (unless they don't cost a thing) and I haven't bought anything scrapbook wise since before Sean was hurt so I decide I need to step up and make a change. I decided that I was going to become a mortgage broker and maybe for once have some sort of future financially and take the pressure off Sean. He feels terrible that he can't provide for us the way we were used to. So I bite the bullet, buy the self study course at $450 bucks and I have 4 months to study and write the exam. I'm reading and reading and reading ...piece of cake.
Fast forward to December 9th--I found a lump in my right breast..WTF..you have got to be kidding me. This is one 'moment' that I'll never forget. I knew exactly what it was..call it instinct..call it intuition..call it whatever you want.. I knew it was serious. So, instead of trying to finish studying..I cried almost everyday for a week..could barley go to work for puffy eyes and tears flowing the minute I'd think about it..but I did..Hey...did I ever tell you how tough I am???
I must book my exam within 4 months of ordering the course...or I have to pay another $75. Well not putting out more money unless I have to, so I book the exam for January 9th. I was OFFICIALLY diagnosed on January 4th. Now, like I said, I knew what it was...hearing the doctor say it was simply a formality..but like anything..there is always a small smidgen of hope that a miracle (if you believe in miracles)
Fast forward to January 8th 2010..We met with a surgeon our doctor recommended who after looking at all my tests..tells me he could remove the lump but it would be more convenient to just do a mastectomy and remove the entire breast. It would save me from having to have radiation treatments. They can reconstruct a breast in about a year, even reconstruct a nipple and the good news is...they can lift my other one to match the new one..so I'd get a boob job on behalf of our health care system. He says all this with a grin on his face. Is he serious? Am I supposed to be happy about this? Like I said earlier..I'm am a very tough woman..but even tough women can be kicked to the ground.
Fast forward to January 9th..Sean and I are on our way to Toronto so I can write my exam. All the way down I'm trying to remember what I'd read and I can't. I don't remember any of the formula's to calculate mortgages..oh man I'm so screwed. All I can think of is this damn tumor and why the hell this crap keeps happening to us~~
January 10th..meet with friends who suggest I get a second opinion. WHY didn't I think of that..sheesh..ok ..done..and you all know the rest --chemo then surgery~~
Fast forward to January 16th..I get an email from the company regarding test scores...Congratulations Teresa Steele...you have passed the mortgage brokers exam. Are you freakin serious...I literally screamed...I scared Sean when I did. Something finally went my way..ok..so maybe things are going to change. Another great 'moment'
Fast forward a week, I contact the lady that agreed to add me to her team of mortgage brokers. She informs me I need aprox $1200 to finish the licencing process. Kicked again ...where the heck am I going to come up with this? Well to this date..I haven't..why is a couple thousand bucks so hard to come up with..oh yeah...I forgot for a second..neither of us are working~I've had to borrow money to pay our mortgage so can't see this happening any time soon.
SO, here i sit..trying to analyze everything that has happened to us in the last two years. I live by the motto 'everything could always be worse' and it could..but can't someone just cut us a break?
I guess that would be too easy...we are fighters..Sean and I..we will persevere..I truly believe that. I am a firm believer in ' we control our own destiny' but why does that control have to always come down to having money.
Don't mistake this for me feeling sorry for myself, or not being as positive as previous posts have been..I'm still very positive..
Just thought I'd enlighten everyone on our last two years ....LOL pretty crazy eh~
Wake up every single day ...smile...and be thankful for what you have...it could always be worse~