Tuesday, November 29, 2011

That's it...Done

Well, it's been quite a while since I started this blog. It was a place for me to vent for the most part to no body or any body that would listen. Most of the time it was to people that I wasn't personally connected to. Unfortunately that has changed and it seems now I no longer have the freedom to speak about whatever I want without it apparently affecting some people in my personal life.

My thoughts are that if I wanted these certain people to know what I type here, I'd tell them..plain and simple, and believe me the last thing I need is a bunch of text messages telling me I should be doing this or that and wanting to know details when that person isn't even a part of my life, just because someone else is.

Bottom line, I can't comfortably post whatever I want for fear of who might read it.

I realize I made this blog public, but believe me never thought I'd have to 'deal' with it on a personal level I guess. I could make it private, which is an option. If you are interested in still reading it , let me know and I think about making it private.

I'm sure we all have things we just want to say without worrying about it being misunderstood, or having someone we really don't want to read it, read it.

Sean was and still is my #1 sounding board, but with him now on the road, it makes it tough. The last thing I want to do is vent to him while he's driving in bad weather or in the US. It costs us so much to communicate while he's across the boarder, and this was my place to fill that void when he couldn't do it for me.

Anyway, I fear now I'm babbling...It's been fun..and like I said, if you are interested, I'll consider making it private for those that care

Until then

Keep Smilin'

Monday, November 28, 2011

So..I made the call..

assuming no news was good news only to be told they've put through a order for an MRI. Yeah OK, this just keeps getting better. Apparently there are still calcifications and she's ordered an MRI to rule out more cancer. Think positive, Think positive, Think positive...oh believe me I am, but with some of the stressors in my life right now It wouldn't surprise me one little bit if they found cancer. You can try to eliminate the stress in your life but it seems to find a way to creep back up and smack you in the face.

I'm thinking I need to sell our house and move to an island somewhere, but it'll be somewhere warm...so I can sit with my toes in the water and my ass in the sand, not a worry in the world with a cold beer in my hand LOL..what do you think??

Gotta get back to work..have a good one

Keep Smilin'

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Hello You, Me Again

My friend Sue passed away on Saturday afternoon. While I know it's better, she's no longer in pain and unfortunately her last few months were spent in quite a bit of pain , I'm sure she's the newest angel in heaven.

I must admit I lost faith ( although I've never been very religious) when I was diagnosed. I'm not sure if it was just self pity, but I thought that Sean and I had been through and survived more then most couples, so why were we being hit again? I'm thinking it was just so we could appreciate what we did have, which was each other. An online friend Michelle commented on my last post saying that someone once told her that if someone dies young, it's because his/her job here is done and God called them back. It makes perfect sense, but sure doesn't make it easier when it happens.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this, but I re-joined Weight Watchers in July. I needed to be held accountable for my weight loss and so far it's been awesome. I've lost 20 lbs since July and a total of 30 so far ( I'd already lost 10 on my own before joining WW) I have at least 20 more to lose but I'm so pumped. Sean has promised me a trip south next winter if I can lose the weight I want to. I love this incentive...so believe me, it's going to happen!!!

Sean is loving his job driving truck. He'd love to be home during the week, that's the only part of the job he doesn't like, but for the most part, he does love the rest. It's not bothering his back too much, so we are both quite happy. We are hoping to be back on track with our bills after Christmas. We are still pretty far behind, but working on it and that's what matters.

Speaking of Christmas, it's not very far away...I've started my shopping. I know pretty much what I need to get for most of the people on my list (thank goodness my list is short!!! ) and plan on working on it in the next two weeks and get r' done!!

Anyway...spending the last night with Sean before he heads back out on the road, so I'll have to catch you all later

Remember, live every day like it's your last...no regrets!!

keep smilin'

Friday, November 25, 2011

no patience for waiting...

I went for my routine 6 month check up..had a mammogram on November 11th. I'm assuming if there was something wrong I would have heard by now, but seriously..I'm still a little worried. I think I'll have to call Monday to get the official word. Just need confirmation.

It's funny, I've had Sean around for 17 years...so I've never had to worry about getting anywhere on my own. Now that he's gone, I need to navigate to my appointments myself. The first one was the Barrie hospital...to most that would be a piece of cake but to me, who never paid any attention before, needed step by step directions on how to get there. Of course, Sean gave me the directions and I as fine. Now, I can go without help.

I did however have a bit of anxiety about navigating to Princess Margaret in Toronto. I have NEVER had to drive anywhere remotely close to Toronto. I used to work in Brampton and use to navigate around there pretty good, but still....you get 'lazy' when  you don't have to bother. I had amazing directions from a friend who has to go once a year and those directions took me exactly where I needed to go. I have went twice now and have it down pat. I even know how to get myself out of the city and to Bolton to a scrapbook store. It's an amazing little store www.onecrazystamper.com

The last few weeks have been a bit tough. I've been close friends with Peggy...she's actually my ex husbands aunt. We hit it off when I first met her. She stood up with my ex husband and I when we married and actually was my matron of honour when I married Sean. One of her daughters , Jennifer had her first diagnosis with cancer 12 years ago. Soooooo young. She fought it and beat it. She was clear for 10 years. In the 10 year, they found another tumor but it was small enough they were able to just go in and remove it. She was having her 6 month check ups when they found a few spots on her lungs and her liver. She fought a good fight but unfortunately didn't win the fight and passed away on November 11, 2011. She passed on 11-11-11 and was born on the 11th of a month..It was an emotional funeral. I was alone  ( I went with friends but not the same) as Sean was on the road. I really don't like seeing so many people I care about so sad.

I'm sure I've mentioned that I'm a volunteer with Victim Services. I took a leave from my duties when I got Cancer. One of the 'head' ladies Sue emailed me and said she wanted to keep in touch. She too was a cancer survivor , having battled two different diagnosis' of Lymphoma. We emailed back and forth a bit, keeping tabs on each other. She evenutally resigned from victim services but emailed me saying she wanted to stay in touch. I sent her an email in August, letting her know I was free and clear and her response was this " I'm so glad to here that. It's ironic that you would email me today, I was just diagnosed with bladder cancer" ..my heart sank. At first she wasn't going to fight it, as the diagnosis wasn't good..but after a couple weeks, she decided she was going to do her best to kick cancers ass AGAIN! A mutual friend has been keeping us updated as things went on. She went in for surgery , and came out without her bladder, urethra, uterus, ovaries, lymph glands and part of the vagina.  It's hard to even fathom that cancer could destroy so much of such a vibrant young woman. She was determined to fight. It's been stated that this cancer was likely caused by the chemo she had in 2002. Yes, even the treatments that save you, can kill you.

She's had a slow recovery, and even ended up with an intestinal blockage. She was admitted to Orangeville hospital and the humour in this is that the only private room they had was in the childrens ward. She ended up with the Disney Cars room. This suited Sue to a T....I'm sure it keeps you cheery if nothing else.

They worked with her to try and get the blockage fixed..but nothing worked.They finally decided they needed to operate to remove the blockage. They went in on Thursday the 24th. I received an email in the late evening saying that once they opened her up, they discovered her body was full of cancer. They couldn't do anything. It's been said before that sometimes once the oxygen hits cancer it's spreads like wildfire. Probably what happend with her first surgery. I seriously had a melt down last night...I"m a VERY strong person..but this just got to me. Sue is only in her 40's as well..it's just not fair. Explain to me that if there is a god, why are such good people being taken so young, when bad people die of old age??

The one thing that has been on my mind constantly is this " how many people do you know, that have had cancer, die of old age???? for me the answer is NONE..kinda makes ya wonder and makes me feel like I'm behind the 8 ball ALL THE TIME

I wish I could convince people in my life to live every day like it's their last. That's not a bad thing, but it does mean that you wake up every day with a smile, and face everything holding your head high ....it's what I try to do. Life's tough, but you only get once chance at making it the best it can be.

Sorry for such a long post, I sort of backed away from my blog...might try to post more often, we'll see

Keep Smilin'